I Wish You Didn't Love Me So Much!

Soooooo, It has been a minute. LOL  Well since the last time I posted a blog my life has been a series of fun, happiness, drama, craziness, sort of like a blockbuster film minus the explosions. 

The reason I decided to write and possibly write again is because of a recent huge life changing experience and also so I can vent and move on.  

You know I love Jesus and I know HE loves me.  I just didn't know how much until a couple days ago.  I go back and forth with HIS love since I don't know how to love or be loved properly because of my upbringing.  Sometimes I think HE has forgotten me but the other day showed me NOPE.. I AM HERE AND I AM GOD watch me move.

There was something so special to me that was my part of my career and also my life.  I knew this one thing in and out and for 10 years of my life.  It was a part of me, like a part of my being.  Well, just as I said, I didn't think Jesus was moving in my life.  So I decided to pray for my life and fast.  I wanted my life to move and move in a great direction.  I felt that my life was just sitting there for a long time. Well, let me tell you.  Be careful for what you pray for.  LOL   

Dang, my life turned upside down in one day. One of my favorite parts of my life was removed from me in an instant.  Like lightning flashed and it was gone.  10 years of something I knew and loved so much.. gone ... POOF LIKE THAT.   The picture above with Jesus and the little girl is me. I didn't want to give Jesus my teddy bear.  I loved that teddy bear so much!  It made me laugh, made me feel secure and made me feel loved.  I know that God asked me for it before but I didn't want to give it to him.  It was MINE MINE MINE AND MINE.. LOL  Just like the kid in the sandbox. 

I was and am still hurt but I now have to put my faith in Jesus that I have this huge teddy bear coming in my life, just like that picture.  It is hard since I can't see it but I trust.  I told my friend, Dang, I wish HE didn't love me so much but I am glad HE does. 

Evan Almighty

Well, like I said it has been about a year for me and my blog.. I tried to think I shouldn't be writing but God keeps putting it on my heart too.. HE keeps putting me through things and thunking me on the head.. like " You survived this now help someone else" ... I was laughing with my friend Allison this weekend because some people have simple lives and then there are people that have twists and turns.. I am the human rollercoaster for sure... God only gives you what you can handle.. SO I MUST BE PRETTY SPECIAL.. lol

I have a heart for the lost and the broken.. you have no idea.  I want to put everyone in my pocket and take them home and make it alright.. because I know what they have been through.  My friend Kris said once.. Man Renee there isn't anything you couldn't share about your life that couldn't help one person.. you have been through it all.. I have been through alot.. but I am blessed beyond belief...

This year that I haven't been writing my blogs has been more about removing chains that have been keeping me prisoner for years.. and I am still going through them.. I thought I looked good in accessories.. but these chains do not fit me... 

This year I got involved in my church serving, met an amazing accountability partner, my children were amazing.. everything was good.. all roses.. well we all put on a front.. put on a good face and just put bandaids on the pain and keep moving.. especially me.. I always have to have the strong face for everyone, so I am the queen of putting my problems last and others first.. 

I keep praying for certain things.. but one big prayer is for marriage.. and that is a scary one for me.. I want to be a wife so bad.. but then I shutter to think about it... because I have been told I don't deserve it... Love is a bad word in my language.. it is full of mistrust and anger.. but the funny thing.. you can pray all you want for something thinking that God is just going to go POOF.. there it IS.. No.. he doesn't... 

I watched Evan Almighty this weekend and this one part hit me hard.. in the movie.. When God explains prayers:

 God: Let me ask you something... If some one prays for patience, you think god gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does god gives them courage? Or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If some one prayed for the family to be closer, you think god zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

Ding Dong... the light when on in my head.. the door swung open.. I have been praying for many things.. but I have been put through things to get those prayers.. so back to the husband thing.. by the way if you are my husband to be.. get ready for me.. cause I am a coming.. :)   

I have some old lies that have been told to me that have kept me in bondage from being my true self to the LORD.. how God sees me.. not how the world sees me... So this year I have been through growing pains.. I have been thunked on the head with alot...  I have prayed to love my mother more.. well guess what.. God that funny man.. gives me opportunities to love her more.. but I didn't see it.. I just thought she was a pain in my bootay and getting on my last nerve.... I prayed for a husband and well.. God showed me things that don't make me wife  material.. One big one is that I have a drinking problem.. I am a binge alcoholic.. I don't drink all of the time but when I do it is on and cracking..  and that sucks.. because I didn't want to be my dad.. but it is and it has been the hardest thing for me to face.. but I am.. and I am glad that Jesus showed me that it has to be removed from my life... and there are other things as well and I am a work in progress..

I have other things that I have been praying for and I keep waiting for my big box to pop down with all of my goodies inside.. but that is not how it works.. I wish.. because Ryan Reynolds would be standing in front of me in a big red bow... lol  

He gives you those blessing in the trials you go through.. paves the way for that next blessing.. We keep our eyes on the big prize.. but honestly the trials and the people that help you are the best blessings.. it makes you a better person.. so you know how they say be careful for what you wish for..it is sort of true.. I thought I was all ready for the things that I put on my vision board.. but God knows so much better.. if he gave me what I wanted right now.. man.. it would be a disaster.. So I have to actually open my eyes and see how HE is taking me to my next blessing and listen and do.. Not easy.. believe me.. admitting my faults is so hard especially in a blog.... and that means my blessings are a coming.. :)  

So when you pray.. remember.. the way to the answered prayer is sometimes the best part.. :)

You is Kind, You is Smart, You is Important

Well.. It has been about a year since I have been here and now God is telling me to come back... wow what a year it has been.. I have had my ups and downs and now it is time to document what I have been doing and tell you all my good and bad...

I will tell you since I was last on here that alot of good has happened.. I put up a vision board in January of 2011 and on that vision board I put all the things that I hoped for.  The funny thing is that was the hardest thing for me to do.  I have never been one to have hopes and dreams for myself.. I have always been the person who did that for everyone else.. I am that cheerleader for the visiting team but when it came to my life.. I just existed.  I was conditioned as an early child not to have dreams.. they wouldn't come true... they would get destroyed because of my dad's drinking or my mom's co-dependancy and well sort of not good enough to deserve anything.. 

So here I sat trying to cut out things to put on my board and WOAH.. I couldn't think of anything.. Satan tried to block my blessings by telling me I am not good enough.. soooooo I fought that little dark angel and started thinking of things.. I put a vacation with my kids, and adorable toy yorkie and the UNTHINKABLE.. my wedding dress and ring... CRAZZZZZZZZZZZZY... I have never been one of those little girls that dreamed of a wedding dress or even picking out one.. I never thought I was good enough to wear a wedding dress... and still it is sinking in.. but I put it up there anyways just to remind me I do deserve it.. 

It terrifies me... the word Love.. I never got love so it is a scary word.  I got dealt the crazy card with parents and sibling and I love them all.. but for some reason they couldn't love me back... So instead of becoming bitter.. I love the world to death.. I am  the crazy girl that will hug you without you even knowing me.. you are like why is she coming close to me.. is she going tooo??? omg she hugged me.. ha .. I am sure that is random.. I am still in the struggles of the word Love but I am working on it.. I am a work in progress every day I open my eyes..  

Well the good news is.. the whole year of 2011 none of my vision 

board came true... so when it came to 2012... I looked at my son Jaden and was like .. well none of it came true.. so I am not going to change it and see what happens.. Well my negative nancy side got a slap in the face... I got my dog.. her name is Chloe... and I even had her name on my vision board.. And I got to go on the family vacation that I put on there to go to Chicago...

Sooooooooooo... the moral of this story is.. that even though Satan is telling you that you are not good enough .. you don't deserve God's Blessings.. well Liar Liar pants on fire.. YOU DO... you just have to believe it.. so I encourage you to dream.. dream big.. and know that you are so special that I can happen to you.. so put it on your wall... speak it into your life.. and when that voice in your heads says no.. YOU SLAP SATAN SILLY AND SAY YES..  I AM.. believe me.. if this little girl can believe it so can you..  REMEMBER .. YOU IS KIND, YOU IS SMART, YOU IS IMPORTANT.. see you till next blog.. oh do I have stories for you.. :)

STRONGLES

So struggles... STRUGGLES... even that word sound rough... I actually think sometimes my name is Renee Struggles Watroba... Ha... We all go through them.  We all have things in our lives that we struggle with either it be people, things, habits ect.. AND BOY DO I HAVE THEM.  I am an addictive personality, co-dependant with ADD.. yeah.. wow... I am a walking self help book, the poster child for self help actually..... I take everything I do and turn into an addiction. Then I have to undo what I did and break it... but it makes me who I am.... 


The best thing about having all of these struggles, I found out.. that I am one strong person.. so instead of struggles.. I turn them into Strongles... I overcome them one at a time... Yes I know Strongles is not a word.. but It is my blog and I can cry if I want to.. LOL... These strongles.. are put in your life.. first to create you... to test you and to show you... With God you can over come anything.. HE puts the STRONG.. in my strongles...


See... we all want that perfect life... We want Door number 3 from God... The one that always had the biggest prize... If God actually showed you what was behind Door number 3... and you saw that husband or wife, the money, the job, YOUR PERFECT LIFE... boy oh boy.. you would do cartwheels and remove every struggle you had in a second...  you would stop sleeping around, partying, lying, swearing, ect.. You would be standing there with the biggest halo ever with your arms wide open waiting for your blessing... as HE hands over your perfect life.. but you wouldn't deserve it.. or do good with it.. because you didn't transform into the person that deserves those blessings...


But lets be real... we would only do it.. because we can see it... we could touch it.. we could smell it.. so heck yes, you want me to live a Godly life so I can have all that ... Where do I sign up for Godly Person of the Year????  But since we can't see it.. touch it, smell it.. We struggle.. and we don't do our best to do it... But that door is there... your blessings all wrapped up in a big red bow with your name on it... 


Humans, us silly little humans... we have to have things our way.. but THANK GOD.. we have to do it HIS Way...It makes us better people... I am trying to be a Godly person because I do want to live by the Word..and I would love a blessed life... but the best thing about..  it.. I don't know what HE has for me... so it is exciting.  The best part of my Godly walk... is breaking my struggles into Stronggles... and overcoming them.  I actually am a better person.. I like myself better as a Godly woman... and of course I want Door number 3... but the transformation has been the biggest gift ever... being in my own skin and loving myself... 


What I have learned in this process... you want certain things... but you have to be what you want. If you want a Godly man.. you have to be a Godly woman... If you want no drama.. you have to be no drama... ect.. And God wants us to be Godly... so Godly here I come... :) lol


These struggles are called struggles..because they really are not good for you... believe me.. I know.. I let my struggles define me... I let them make me who I was... but as I let God remove them.. wow... it was like removing rock off my chest.. and more of who I really was, was lying underneath.. Now.. I held onto my struggles because I thought they made me cool... Like I struggled with Sex, The World wants you to have sex, with everyone and it is sooooooo cool.... Well really, it isn't.. such a lie.. and so lonely.. So now I am celibate.. almost 2 years now.. and PROUD OF IT...I had struggles with partying.. removed it.. Swearing.. like a truck driver... yes.. I am from Chicago... I think that is a requirement to live there.. LOL.. removed it.. 


Now I have other struggles that I am dealing with... Smoking for one.. but With God All things are POSSIBLE... And I know that it will be a thing of the past.. and as one by one of these struggles disappear.. it keeps unveiling the person I have always desired to be...  So what is waiting for me behind door number 3... I will actually be able to do good with it.. and treat it like it really is meant to be.. A BLESSING.. 


Remember.. LET HIM help you get to where you need to be.. Ask HIM what does HE want for you.. and let HIM DO IT.. Surrender... REMEMBER IT IS PERFECT.... :)

MINE MINE MINE.....

It has been a while... so sorry.. I have been working on me and the Lord and well.. I have no excuses.... 


First off I want to thank all of you so much for the letters, texts, twitters ect about my daily posts.... I hope that they inspire you and make you laugh at the same time.  The thing I love most besides God and my family is to LAUGH... anyone that knows me knows that I am the biggest NERD.. and even held the nickname "RENERD" for a while... so Yes I laugh at my own jokes and spend my mornings with the Lord then with anything funny I can find on the internet.  Dorks R Us right here!!! 


I just want to let you know something that has been put on my heart.... God showed me yesterday on how HE works... it is sooooooooooooo simple you don't know.  


I have two kids... one is 7 and the other is 13 (God help me now) LOL ... Well, let's say one is being good.. not lying, obeying the rules, showing me love and respect being genuinely good.  The other is lying, being unruly, not respecting me and not showing me love... Believe me this happens all of the time.. KIDS..LOL Well the kid that is being let's just say bad, looks at me and says "Why don't you treat me like my brother?"  And honestly I tell them.. "Well if you want to be treated like this and want more from me.. change your attitude, don't lie, be good.. it is that easy..." Well, more times than not.. he will do the reverse and do worse.. lie more, act out and more or less be like a spoiled child... He will be like MINE MINE MINE.. but not show why he deserves it.  So because he didn't respect me and listen... I then don't trust him.. and pull the presents and blessings away until he shows me that he can handle them and do right with them.  Showing me that he appreciates them genuinely and not because he just did it to get the gift or attention.


Well my gorgeous peeps.. that is IT!!! That is how God is with us... When we see someone else blessed and we get all bent out of shape because we are still going through our trials.. We can either Praise HIM and keep treating OUR LORD with respect by loving HIM and obeying HIM or run around with our head cut off screaming MINE MINE MINE and then go sin our little butts off.... The funny thing.. Your not doing anything to God when you say.. well I will show HIM, I didn't get that girl I wanted...or that car.. or whatever it is.. I am going to start sleeping with everyone, drink swear.. oh I will get God for not treating me right... I will be the biggest sinner EVER..  Well dummy, HE is disapointed but your the one missing out.. Just like I tell my kids... it is so simple.. be good, love me, respect me and my rules... I will trust you... and then blessings will come... our relationship will be stronger.. the family unit will be whole because of it... 


You are showing God.. well let's be real.. you are a spoiled brat... the 5 year old on the floor at Walmart kicking and screaming because they didn't get that toy.. Yes.. I did it many times... and now I laugh... I didn't deserve anything because I haven't shown God I deserve it... Just that I can win the academy award for the best temper tantrum...


So when you see someone else getting blessed and you are not... instead of turning into the brat.. turn into the Child of God you are... Praise HIM , Love HIM, Obey HIM.. the Family Unit will be stronger and so will you... Blessings will be on your way.. Get the umbrella out.. because it will be raining Abundance... 

Have an amazing and blessed day peeps.. and I will leave you with my new favorite song.. 

LETTING GO OF THE WHEEL...

Faith.......


I have learned so much like this song by Katy Hudson aka Katy Perry.. Such a pretty song.. all about Faith... That is what I have been taught by God.. Have faith... in the little and in the big.  Have faith of a mustard seed.. UH MAZING!


I know that it is hard.. oh do I know... to LET GO and LET GOD.. oh heck no.. you think.. I am like a 3 year old in a sand box... as soon as I let go and someone else takes it.. I take it back and say MINE! MINE! MINE!!  and then I screw it up.. yes sad but true... lol  


We all are control freaks.. we all are.. we want to control our outcome, destiny our future.. but really .. it is out of our hands.. haven't you tried to steer an outcome into your direction and the more you tried the more it was messed up... the more you touched it the more it was like sand in your hands... relationships, business, life... ect... It was God telling you.. let go... Everytime I take the wheel.. I drive it into a ditch.. and then flip the car... LOL.. but if I let Jesus take the wheel... it is bumpy sometimes where I want to be the backseat driver and yell.. your going to slow.. your gonna hit that car.. but as like the backseat driver.. you just annoy the driver.. so I just shut up and go along for the ride... and AMAZING AS IT IS.. YOU GET TO YOUR DESTINATION.. AND IT IS BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT... I would of taken us to DisneyLand.. but he wanted me at Disneyworld.. not for real.. but you know what I am saying.. LOL


Remember I am still single.. not even dating... just starting a new business... still live at home with my mom and two kids.. wow.. anyone want to marry me... ??? LOL..This is what I did.. trying to direct my own life.. hmmmmmmmm.. I think right now I am the poster child for not what to do... LOL  but regardless of what my current situation is.. which by the looks of it.. this is where I drove me too... wow.. did I take the wrong turn and I am on the wrong side of the road..  lol.. but that is the greatest part.. Now that I have let go and finally let HIM take the wheel  I am back on the right side of the road.. going forward and not backwards...I feel it in my bones AND in my heart.. I am excited to know that he pulled me out of the ditch.. and HE is driving me to my destiny.. I like to think ... God and I are like Thelma and Louise.. we are holding our hands high.. driving off the cliff... and I have to have faith we are hitting the ground and driving off into the sunset... AND WE ARE.. YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! 

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS... :)

Those pictures were from my 42nd birthday while I lived in Hollywood.... I hated to leave there because I made amazing friends and I felt as I was leaving my heart there.. But again.. God's will is more important to me... so off I went to San Diego...:)


I knew it was God's will because I didn't even have the money to move back.. I had no money for the truck or gas to go.. and my unbelievable friends Felicia, Matt and James paid for it and drove the kids and I back to ole San Diego.. so it was HIS plan for me to be back here... 


Now I am back in San Diego...with my mom and my kids.. I still don't know how God is using me out here.. it seems like HE wanted me to repair my relationship with my mom.. and to help her out in some situations and for her to help me out as well.. So I get that.. it is so funny to be 43 years old and a mother and still when your own mother comes in your room and says to clean your room.. you feel like your 13 years old and clean it up... lol


 But through this experience I learned to love myself and trust a man again.. MY GOD.. that is something that I have never did... wow.. what a mess I used to be.. ha ha ha.. One of my friends actually that I haven't seen in years said that she thought that I would be dead by now... WOW... WHAT A COMPLIMENT.. LOL... but it was the truth... I was running around like a chicken with their head cut off..  Who I was in Chicago.. is not who I am now... that little girl back there is gone.. it is funny.. I believe that we are just children in adult bodies playing house... that is really how I feel.. I think that we still cope as adults as we coped as children... I don't know.. just a Nae Nae thought.. lol  but that is how I feel... but the great thing is now I feel whole not like that big hole in my heart that I had back home.  


Well now that I am 43 and I still feel like I am 12...  but my body is telling me I am 43... and the only reason I know that now.. is insanity of MENOPAUSE.. Yes Menopause.. what the hell is this??  It was funny when I turned 42 and I stopped getting my period I was like yeeeeeeeeeehaaaaaaaaaa... and then I got my first hot flash... as my hair was stuck to my head from sweat.. I was like what the heck just happened.. am I dying???.. then I would wake up in a pool of sweat and think.. ok.. did my kids play a joke on me and throw water on me during my sleep??  And then recently I went to bed and woke up with 12 pounds around my thighs and tummy.. seriously.. it was overnight.. I am still dumbfounded on how the heck this happened... ha ha ha.. 


I will tell you THANK GOD... I haven't had that emotional craziness yet.. I remember when my mom went through it... omg.. all of our pots and pans were oval because she would slam them when we would make her mad.. and one time my brother and I didn't put our laundry in the hamper..so my mom took a baseball bat to it.. and wicker flew everywhere.. Yeah.. she had it pretty bad.. LOL.... So I thank God.. he gave me a sense of humor to get through this.. the funny thing is I called the doctor and asked how long will I go through this and she said 5-10 years.. 5 TO 10 YEARS??????????????????????? Seriously.. ?????? This is only time in my life I wanted to have been born a man.... HA.. really.. we get our period, then give birth, then go through menopause... and what do men have.. hmmmmmmmmmmmmm... ok... you get my point.. lol  


So now I am 43 with menopause.. sounds like a great Match.com Tag line huh?? Hi I am Renee 43 with menopause.. lol Will get a ton of men hitting my profile with that.. lol  But here I am 43 about to turn 44 in July and I am excited about this.. I have always been one of those people that love to be there age.. since my dad passed at 45... I love getting older.. because he never got too... I take my birthdays as LIKE YES.. I MADE IT ANOTHER YEAR.. PRAISE JESUS.. But I am excited on my new life.. my walk with God.. going through the ups and downs but knowing I have a huge arms around me to pick me up when I fall.. the arms of my LORD...  I am excited to see where I am going.. what HE has for me.. I look at my life and laugh everyday because my life is comedy and God is the author.. so if you dare or want.. walk through this journey with me and lets see what happens!!!

Here is a glimpse of my gorgeous children while I was at a meeting.. when I lived in Hollywood.. I love that they have an amazing sense of humor like their mommy!!!!!